the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
