drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
