My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
