whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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