I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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