Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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