never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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