It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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