nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
