somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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