Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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