dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
