your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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