haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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