I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
