So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
