How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
