I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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