1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
