Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Randomize
