4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
