It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
