dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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