so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
