I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
