The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
