instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
