just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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