Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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