You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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