at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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