I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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