Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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