my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
