it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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