Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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