When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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