toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
