Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
