Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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