I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Your penis caused this!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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