I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Banned from zoo.
Again?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
