he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
