So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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