People in love make me want to vomit
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
