Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
We need to get me chipped asap
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize