Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize