Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
