I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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