she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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