Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
