I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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