I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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