i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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