my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
you made out with another girl for some wings
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
