Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
