i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
