I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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