Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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