I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
