I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
