I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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