I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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