I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
