my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
