I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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